The Complete Guide: Extended, Concise Edition
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: Are you having a hard time living with your Cybertronian friends without getting into trouble or being thrown in the brig? Well, no longer! No holds barred in this new, revised, and lemon scented volume of the Complete Guide! Autobots, Decepticons, we've got 'em all. Check the guidelines out and have fun with your robo buddies!
1. Testing the Waters

**Hey! Don't have much time, but here's my new Guide. The one for the Decepticons isn't finished, but most of the guidelines from here may be integrated and the ones from there will be put in here.**

**Largely inspired by StoleTheSpider's Rules for Not Getting Squished.**

**IDEAS ARE VERY MUCH WELCOME. In fact I need them, I can't do this ALL by myself.**

**All guidelines will be in BOLD, but Tristyn's will be underlined as well, and Casey's will also be italicized.**

**Have fun and submit your ideas! :D**

* * *

**1. Don't bring anyone but yourself to family gatherings. Gramma's house isn't a war****zone.**

(Hey guys, Tristyn Foley here.)

(You may remember me from the short but hopefully update-able "Complete Guide to Surviving Life with Megatron and the Decepticons".)

(Well, I have a cousin.)

(Her name is Casey Burton.)

(Plain name, I think, but blame my aunt and uncle.)

(Anyway, she's on the Autobots' side of the war.)

(She's technically supposed to be my enemy, but we get along just fine as long as nobody starts a conversation about their metallic buddies.)

(That's why we're writing this guide together, for people on either side of the war.)

(And we're making it shorter because too much reading hurts our brains.)

(My first rule is that Cybertronians, even their holoforms, should have their own celebrations, and shouldn't attend ours.)

(Thanksgiving should be a time for reflection, gratitude, and loosening the belt on your jeans.)

(Not for dodging unfriendly fire.)

(We both made a mistake: Casey decided to bring her pal Ironhide to Thanksgiving, and I forced - err, persuaded - Barricade to come along.)

(Unfortunately, since we are cousins, our holidays are at the same house, and once the two Cybertronians caught a whiff of each other's spark signatures...)

(Well, Mom and Aunt Kris told me and Casey to bring our friends' presents to THEM on Christmas instead of bringing them to Gramma's house.)

(They didn't want to risk the tree going up in flames.)

(After what happened at Thanksgiving, I can't say I blame them.)

_**2. Ask Ratchet for a medical quiz at your own risk.**_

(I don't understand what the big deal was.)

(I had a final in science, and we were on that dumb chapter about the immune system.)

(And, unfortunately, the diseases that could attack said immune system.)

(Bumblebee was giving the Chevy twins another smackdown out in the hangar; for what, I don't know, but I don't question someone beating some sense into them.)

(I wasn't allowed in Optimus's or Prowl's office because they had important paperwork.)

(Important my right aft-cheek.)

(So, I went to Med Bay for a little peace and quiet, and with Ratchet's say-so I got to studying.)

(I asked him to help me with my flash cards; the ones with the disease written on the front and the symptoms and transmission methods on the back.)

(He'd hold up a card with the name of the disease, and ask me for either symptoms or transmission.)

(Before we even got done, he was _horrified_ at all the different things these diseases could do to you and how they could be spread.)

(He overreacted a little, to say the least.)

(Now I have to explain the F that I got on that test.)

(Oh, and every time someone gets a paper cut, Ratchet springs into action, wrapping it up with a laughable amount of gauze.)

(If that wasn't bad enough, once he's done he lectures us about how we need to be more careful, because he doesn't want an AIDS epidemic on his hands.)

(Next time I'm going to study at the library.)

**3. As hungry as you may be and as crunchy as he looks, Starscream is NOT the legendary Giant Dorito. And he's not delicious, either.**

(College finals really took a lot out of me and Casey this year.)

(I don't know about her, but my biggest hurdle was my chemistry final.)

(I didn't eat or drink anything except coffee to keep me awake from the time I started, seven P.M., to two A.M., while I was cramming for it.)

(I woke up the next day, took my test without my usual flair, then came back home, where I promptly collapsed on my berth and fell into a dead sleep.)

(I woke up at three in the morning, and I was _hungry._)

(I must have mistaken Starscream's room for the kitchen.)

(I didn't mean it, but it was dark in there, my stomach was yelling at me, and for Primus's sake he's the physical version of the Bermuda Triangle.)

(I just thought they came out with a new flavor, though I never stopped to consider the fact that gray food is either spoiled or tastes disgusting.)

(The rest of the base was woken up by Starscream glitching and me shouting, "Let me eat you, you're yummy!")

(You never want to be faced with the entire Decepticon army who have just been deprived of recharge because of you.)

(I spent another night locked in the bathroom, sleeping in the tub.)

_**4. Internet searches involving the words "Charlie" and "Sheen" together in any order will only result in an error from now on.**_

(I was just watching a hilarious video about Charlie Sheen after he'd gone off the deep end.)

(YouTube, you pulled through for me.)

(Except... Skids and Mudflap decided to join me in watching it.)

(As if they weren't obnoxious enough.)

(Now they regularly parade around the base, bumping chestplates and claiming to be "rock stars from Cybertron, yo!" and that they were "winning".)

(As a precaution, the military's computers will no longer allow you to search _Charlie Sheen_ or _Sheen Charlie_ on any website.)

(Ratchet's stopped trying to tell them there's no such thing as "tiger energon".)

**5. What Starscream doesn't know won't hurt him. But it sure as slag will hurt you.**

(It was all Starscream's fault for being born looking like a Dorito.)

(HE was the one who got me chased again, because if he didn't look like THAT, I wouldn't have confused him for a delicious and not-so-nutritious snack.)

(Needless to say, I had to get revenge on him, I'm just that kind of person.)

(So, uh, did you know he sucks his thumb?)

(It must have started when he was a sparkling and he never grew out of it.)

(I guess he needed a nice nap after shooting the Pit out of some unsuspecting humans, because I found him on the couch in the Rec Room of Death, knocked out.)

(I had my cell phone with me, and I just upgraded to a new camera phone.)

(I sent the link to all of the Decepticons, even Megatron.)

(Soundwave was apparently so amused by it, he hacked an internet satellite and sent it to the Autobots' base.)

(Starscream, however... was not so amused.)

(You'd think by now he would learn to take a joke, but he sentenced me to target duty.)

(It sounded harmless; changing the targets every time he blew one to pieces.)

(Nope.)

(_I_ was the target.)

(I've washed my hair like twenty times and the smell of scorched follicles still haunts me.)

(Oh, and I need to buy more burn cream.)

* * *

**Thanks for reading, guys! Leave feedback and submit your ideas with that neat little form at the bottom. ^^**


	2. Continued Madness

**Hehe, I'm really crazy with zee updating, yes?**

**PLEASE PLEASE IDEAS. Hehe. I've got a couple chapters with my own, but if I receive no ideas...**

**I SHALL HAVE TO BEG.**

**Ironhide: For spark's sake, send in ideas. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE HER BEG.**

**Ratchet: It is quite... depressing.**

**Me: THAT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE IS DEPRESSING.**

**Love you guys! Hope you likee!**

* * *

_**6. Prowl is the only one who can never watch **__**A Bug's Life**__** again.**_

(Fact: Most humans hate bugs, especially the kind that bite.)

(Prowl, on the other hand, loves nature.)

(The only reason he doesn't complain about us squishing bugs and spiders is because we've told him that some of them can kill us.)

(We _have_ to be sure they don't deliver their venom to our bloodstream.)

(Because if we got poisoned, Ratchet would be _so pissed._)

(Then we had Movie Night.)

(Annabelle got to pick, and guess what her current favorite movie is?)

(_A Bug's Life._)

(We thought it would be all cute and nostalgic for us humans, and a new experience for the Autobots.)

(Prowl.)

(Freaked.)

(_Out._)

(He even had to excuse himself after it looked like Thumper killed Dot.)

(Now we have to go somewhere else if we want to watch that movie.)

(Also, I saw Prowl brutally murdering a grasshopper yesterday.)

(I think he was trying to protect an ant.)

**7. Want to bring an Autobot-affiliated human over to hang out? Don't.**

(Casey was complaining to me about how the military blocked another website.)

(I invited her over, because Megatron doesn't care enough to block any sites on our connection.)

(We spent an hour on YouTube watching Charlie Sheen being an idiot.)

(She wasn't allowed to do that any more, on account of a couple of dumb-afts started copying him.)

(Another hour was spent on fmylife dot com, laughing at other people's misery.)

(After that Megatron came into our room, saying something about needing me off the internet because the connection was slow.)

(When he saw Casey and me laughing at the _Intimate_ section of FML, he flipped slag.)

(He was shooting at both of us, and we were running like the Pit was behind us.)

(I had to wait until the next day before I was even allowed to email or call her again.)

(And I'm not allowed to use Skype anymore.)

(They don't like "ugly human Autobot" faces, apparently.)

(Someone please tell them a human Autobot is a technical impossibility.)

_**8. Making a whole sentence out of the word "slag" is generally frowned upon. But it IS funny.**_

(I decided to watch some Clint Eastwood movies with Ironhide.)

(He likes quoting them.)

"You feelin' lucky, _punk?_"

"No... no, not particularly, Clint Eastbot."

(During an especially intense fighting scene, I was hit with an idea and promptly yelled out:)

"Slaggit, the slagging slagger slagged the slaggers!"

(Ironhide didn't think it was all that funny.)

(I couldn't even run away.)

(I was laughing too hard.)

(Even Optimus smiled when he heard _that_ was what set 'Hide off.)

(But now I'm banned from using the word "slag" more than once in a sentence.)

(And there's a scorch mark on the floor in the Rec Room.)

(The outline of it is me-shaped.)

**9. Repeat after me: Barricade is not to be taken on joy rides.**

(It was freaking _hilarious._)

(Barricade and I are buddies, well, as much as a human and a Decepticon can be.)

(Point is, he'll usually defend me when the others point their guns at me.)

(Usually.)

(When it's convenient for him to be there, anyway.)

(So I asked how would he like scaring the Pit out of some fleshies who weren't me for a change?)

(It was too tempting for him to resist.)

(My first order of business was to climb inside his alt mode and buckle myself in.)

(My second was to turn his police lights and siren on.)

(My third was to insert a CD with one track on loop into his player.)

(And so we sped down the highway in search of some fleshies, the music playing at full blast.)

"They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' and tryn'a catch me ridin' dirty. Tryn'a catch me ridin' dirty, tryn'a catch me ridin' dirty, tryn'a catch me ridin' dirty. My music so loud, I'm swangin', they hopin' that they gon' catch me ridin' dirty..."

(You should have seen the look on the face of the first guy we pulled over.)

(I'm not allowed to use Barricade to run errands anymore.)

(No, I have to use _Wasp._)

(He's an okay 'bot, but he doesn't have lights and sirens.)

_**10. No dressing up as any of the Autobots for Halloween.**_

(The Animated version of _Transformers_ is just about the funniest thing ever.)

(After I watched it, I wanted to go as "Boxtimus Prime" for Halloween.)

(So I gathered up a bunch of boxes from the Box Room, and colored them all up.)

(I got dressed up early, so I could show off all my hard work before I got to the costume party at Leo's place.)

(I marched into the room full of Autobots, pointed my Shiny Toy Gun at Optimus, and declared:)

"I am Boxtimus Prime! I'm scared of teeny little spiders! Autobots, transform and _rooooll_ out!"

(The Autobot leader wasn't impressed.)

(I thought he would be flattered that I dressed up as _him_ instead of anybody else, but he wasn't.)

(Instead he demanded I change my costume.)

(It was too late to actually make another one.)

(I ended up going as a sheet ghost, and that was only thanks to Bumblebee.)

(Leo laughed at me when I arrived at his party.)

(I showed him the picture I took of my _real_ costume.)

(He still laughed at me.)

* * *

**Thanks for zee support and hopefully the reviews and sending in of ideas!**

**P.S. The next chapter is REALLY hiliarious, I think.**

**Thanks for reading! ^^**


	3. Just Dance

**LOL, I decided that since I was being bad, I should get this up. I have another couple of chapters on the way, and I have to go write more now...**

**PLEASE send me your suggestions! (I don't know how much more of this "thinking" shit my brain can take...)**

**Also, I must reply.**

**Guest**** (sorry, you didn't leave any other name LOL): Nah, they're not Pretenders, they're organics. They're just... harder to kill than cockroaches. As for Starscream's shooting at Tristyn, well, she managed to run fast enough to avoid being shot... but many bullets grazed her hair and scorched it. With 'Hide and Casey... I guess he just shocked her a little, which was what caused the scorch mark on the floor. Hehe. He'd never actually be mean enough to shoot at a human like that! (That's the Decepticons' shtick.)**

**Hope that clears it up for you! :)**

**#15 was originally in my "Complete Guide to Living with Megatron and the Decepticons". It's been drastically reduced, as you can see! XD**

**Hope you guys enjoy!**

* * *

**11. Blitzwing's helm is not to be used as a turntable, even though it acts like one.**

(I asked him while Random was in control.)

(He got excited and agreed.)

(He said he'd always wanted to make the music instead of just singing or dancing to it.)

(I invited all of my Decepti-buddies for a dance party and began to spin some tunes.)

(I was the DJ playing on Blitzy's head, as well as the "Call Me Maybe" karaoke track.)

(This is what the chorus sounded like.)

"_Hey, vhat are you doing?_** Vhen zis is over... you are so, so dead!** **_I love zis song - ooh, it_**

rocks so hard! Let's go all night... heehee... call me, Tristy~!"

(I, for one, thought it was a pretty sick beat.)

(Icy just wanted to stop spinning.)

(Hothead was out for my blood.)

(Random had fun making up his own words and flirting with me in a thinly veiled manner.)

(Random's my favorite 'Con _ever._)

(But now I have to buy a real turntable.)

(Every time I even come near Blitzwing now, he switches to Hothead and fires a few rounds at me.)

(They're lucky I can run fast or they'd be eating human flambé by now.)

(Of course, they'd probably LOVE that.)

(It's not fair - Random's such a good singer, they shouldn't stifle his creativity...)

_**12. Do NOT kid about pregnancy.**_

(Sam and I had to write a one-act play and perform it for drama class.)

(Ours was about a woman who just found out she was pregnant, after trying for a long time, and was trying to tell her husband.)

(It was supposed to be a moving, emotional piece.)

(Sam and I made the mistake of practicing in the Rec Room at the base.)

(Ratchet wandered in, looking for something, and looked at us practicing.)

(I was trying to tell my "husband" the news, while Sam was pretending to be distracted with other things, such as what was for dinner, had I heard the score on the football game, typical guy stuff.)

(Finally I grabbed him by the shoulders, screamed, "_I'm pregnant, you idiot!_" and proceeded to collapse in his arms, fake-sobbing.)

(Ratchet interrupted, and shouted something about getting my aft to Med Bay for prenatal scans.)

(Then he glitched.)

(I was a little worried, and explained the situation to him when he came out of it.)

(I couldn't tell if he was more ticked at us for "lying", or more relieved that he didn't have to deal with a pregnant human.)

(That well-aimed wrench could have easily meant both.)

**13. Frenzy is the universe's chew toy. Not yours.**

(I don't know what it is, but something about Frenzy just grinds my gears.)

(I mean, what are you?)

(A Decepticon who got stuck in a Mini-Con's body?)

(I think he's also, like, the Decepticon version of Wheelie.)

(According to what Casey's told me, they've both got a bit of a humping problem.)

(Except Wheelie's polite and goes for the legs, while Frenzy goes for the boobs.)

(Alice is often conveniently far away, so guess who usually gets scratches on the chest?)

(No, no, even though Starscream sometimes acts like a femme and has heels, he doesn't have boobies.)

(It's _me._)

(So no, I _don't_ like Frenzy, if I hadn't made that clear already.)

(I'm always looking to torment him.)

(I've used Blu-Ray cases, the cord for the Wii, my high heels, Starscream's high heeled pedes, my textbooks, and I even took a swing at him with my apple sock.)

(I'll explain that in my next rule.)

(Eventually, I was told - read: _threatened_ - to leave Frenzy alone.)

(He was enough of a whipping boy for everyone else as it was.)

(If I refused, I would have Rumble, his overprotective twin, unleashed on my ass.)

(Now I just don't let anyone _see_ me kicking the little bitch.)

(And he's too afraid of me to complain to Rumble.)

(_Good. Let's keep it that way, Frenzy._)

_**14. Never watch "My Strange Addiction" in Ratchet's earshot or line-of-sight.**_

(At first, he rather enjoyed watching it with me.)

(He got his kicks by ranting on and on about how stubborn the people were.)

(Mostly he just scoffed at it.)

(The girl who was addicted to shoes, the girl who wore the fur suit, the one who pulled out her hair, the one who ate soap and cleaner, the one who slept with her blow dryer...)

(Then the episode came on with the guy who liked to eat glass.)

(Light bulbs, wine glasses, you name it... even _bullets._)

(Poor Ratchet didn't just glitch this time, he crashed.)

(_Hard._)

(Once he got up and running again, his first order of business was to remove all the light bulbs and non-plastic cups in the entire base.)

(Because apparently _all_ humans are born with an innate urge to chow down on glass.)

(He then proceeded to give all of us an abdominal ultrasound to make sure we hadn't swallowed any.)

(He even threatened Ironhide not to use his guns with humans around, because of the bullets, just in case.)

(And of course someone - we still haven't figured out who - had to go and make it worse.)

(Somebody left a bottle of high-grade energon on Ratchet's desk... along with a couple of wine glasses to drink it out of.)

(Most of us chuckled when we saw it.)

(When Ratchet saw it, though, he didn't find it funny.)

(He glitched _three times in a row._)

(That's a new record.)

(I now respect whoever did that.)

**15. "But come on, this thing could brain ****_Primus!_****" isn't a valid excuse for walking around swinging a sock full of fresh apples at your comrades.**

(Clearly I need to stop watching so much _iCarly._)

(But because I wanted to torment Frenzy, I conned 'Cade into driving me to that all-natural, organic, hippie supermarket.)

(This was before I was banned from using him.)

(I bought a sack of apples, and tested them all.)

(I smashed them against my berth, just as I'd done with the little citrus-scented soap carving I made of Optimus Prime last month.)

(May Soaptimus Lime rest in peace.)

(The apples went into the sock my mother had given me for Christmas one year.)

(It had reindeer all over it, and the jingle bells _actually jingled._)

(That sock deserved to die, and I think it wanted to die.)

(I nicknamed my apple sock my "Hard-On", and yelled that Frenzy, the pint-sized little fragger, could run but he couldn't hide from Lady Justice.)

(I neglected to _leave_ my room first though, so he hid from me.)

(Oh well, I skipped merrily to the Rec Room of Death, where I found Skywarp.)

(I hid my Hard-On, and noticed he was busy being scared of the evil Care Bears.)

(I _attacked_ him with my Hard-On.)

(He glitched and crashed at the same time, which was pretty cool.)

(I recorded it.)

(Sadly, my Hard-On was confiscated, apples labeled as contraband, and I was sentenced to a deca-cycle in on clinic duty with Dr. Scalpel.)

(When I left, Thundercracker pointed at me and said to Sunstorm:)

"_This_ is why we can't have nice things."

(He didn't have to be so mean...)

* * *

**TC is kind of mean, isn't he? Even Sunstorm couldn't calm Tristyn down after that...**

**We should so get Starscream to... I dunno, put fake spiders in TC's berth or something.**

**Hope you guys liked, and I REALLY would like your suggestions! ^^**


	4. TV Rots the Brain

**MWAHAHA I AM BACK. HERE FOR MAH TRIUMPHANT RETURN.**

**Yes. :D I've also been watching TFA and TFP, so look out because now I have more material! XD**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed and sent in suggestions! This chapter and the next one won't have them yet because I had them written before I got any suggestions, but starting on chapter 6 there should be at least one of your guys suggestions.**

**I loved them all, by the way, y'all are hilarious! Keep 'em comin'! :)**

**Also, wish me luck on my various voice auditions for TF projects on YouTube! So far I've auditioned for Arcee and have pretty much gotten the part, and also sent in an audition for Airachnid who I hate but love playing, although that's not technically a set part... I think he's doing original chars for that one but wanted to see my voice.**

**Anyway, here's another crazy update! 8D**

* * *

_**16. **__**Juno**__** may be a heartfelt comedy-drama, but mostly it just sends Ratchet on another unprotected-sex paranoia spree.**_

(The first time Mikaela and I met was in the tenth grade.)

(Parenting and family class, to be specific.)

(Near winter break, our teacher thought it would be okay to cut us some slack and brought in a funny movie about teen pregnancy for us to watch.)

(Said movie was called _Juno._)

(Mikaela and I loved it so much that even years later, we still quote and/or reference it.)

(Our favorite part was Juno's stepmother trying to cover up the fact that she wanted to say "blue shit" about Juno puking in a vase from morning sickness after drinking a slushy.)

(And the "makes my boyfriend's junk taste like pie" flavored condoms bit.**)**

(The Autobots, confused by our references, wanted to see the movie.)

(We shouldn't have invited Ratchet to this showing.)

(Remember the _last_ time Ratchet heard the word "pregnant"?)

(Mikaela and I both tried to explain that it was just a movie, and we were all adults here and we knew better than to throw pregnancy into our lives until we were ready.)

(Ratchet sat all us humans through what he called "Interface Education".)

(I still can't figure out what that one picture was.)

(But we got the message.)

(No more _Juno_ references on base...)

**17. Soundwave's computers are off-limits. Period.**

(I wanted to try something I'd seen in an episode of _Star Trek: Deep Space 9._)

(It was the episode where Quark hacked into the station's computers and rigged them to display ads for his bar.)

(You know the song.)

"Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun! Don't walk - run!"

(And then Kira wiped the slag-eating grin off his face.)

(So, when Soundwave went out to check out some of his satellites, I snuck into his control room.)

(Mostly I just pressed buttons, recorded my theme song, and waited till all my randomizing did something.)

(Soundwave almost glitched - _almost_ - when he came home to see what I'd done to his precious computers.)

"California 'Cons, they're indestructible, waiting on the moment to strike! Soundwave's gonna get the job done! Now put ya guns up - oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh!"

(I eventually gave in and reversed my subliminal messaging.)

(At gunpoint.)

_**18. Unless you want Ratchet on your case about whiplash or have money to pay a slagload of tickets, don't willingly get into Sideswipe's interior.**_

(I had been having so much fun with my friends that I didn't notice how late it was.)

(One of my favorite shows, _1000 Ways to Die,_ was going to be on in ten minutes.)

(I panicked, because it would be a miracle if my car managed to _start up_ within ten minutes, let alone get me home in time for my show.)

(Sideswipe noticed my panic, and offered to drive me.)

(Knowing that he was tied with Mirage for the fastest 'Bot, I accepted.)

(He drove almost fifty miles over the speed limit.)

(And he didn't care.)

(Before I could even get him to slow down, a cop was on his bumper.)

(And Sides was offended by that, so he tried what he called "shakin' the fuzz off".)

(The cop called it "$500 fine for speeding and attempted evasion of an officer".)

(I still haven't paid that outstanding ticket, and I'm never riding with Sides again.)

(If I did, _I_ would be the 555th way to die.)

(Death by an speeding law-breaker from space.)

**19. Don't make a musical out of Megatron smacking Starscream around.**

(What?)

(If I was allowed to put it on TV, it would have the highest ratings.)

(Because it would be like _Glee,_ but with 20-foot tall robots and 50% more violence.)

(And Knock Out would take Kurt's place.)

(So I fashioned a Megatron mask, and made a Starscream one too.)

(I shanghaied Sunstorm into being Starscream, since he was the only one besides Screamer who could pull off the insincere ass-kissing.)

(Thundercracker was Megatron, because he loved to laugh at Screamer's not-so-awesome inferior-ness.)

(A small bunch of the 'Cons gathered for the theatrical genius that premiered that night.)

(I rigged a sign to come down with the title of my musical.)

*shoddy picture of a machine gun*

"The Umpteenth Battle for Control of the Decepticon Army!"

*picture of a smiley face*

(It, uh, it went a little something like this.)

"_Staaaarscreeeeeeeam! Why do you faaaaaaail me?_"

(_Smack._)

"_It's not my faaaaaaaaaault! Someone should kiiiiiill you already, glorious leeeeaaader!_"

(_Clang._)

"_What the fraaaaaaag did you saaaaaaaaaaaaa-_"

(_BOOM.)_

(That was when my meticulously made masks were blasted to pieces.)

(I don't think Megatron and Screamer will ever forgive TC and Sunstorm for going along with my plan.)

(Anybody else smell fried robot?)

(... Or is that _my_ skin?)

_**20. Bumblebee plays up the cuteness of using his radio to speak. But when YOU do it, it's not cute. It's just creepy.**_

(Bumblebee is the cutest thing ever.)

(He's so cute I could die.)

(I asked him about his magical power of cuteness, and he told me it was all in his radio voice.)

(I think if Bee knew exactly how cute he is, he could take over the world since half of Earth's population are women.)

(So anyway, I got online and downloaded a bunch of files, clipping them into any possible response I could have to any possible thing anybody could say to me.)

(I stored them in my phone, then walked around base and waited for people to talk to me.)

(Prowl asked me if I'd like to train with him for a little while and learn the ways of the cyber-ninja.)

(In reply, I scrolled through my files and pressed a button.)

"I like fried chicken and Kool-Aid!"

(Prowl frowned and backed away, but not before muttering.)

"Weren't you supposed to have your check-up with Ratchet today? I thought he told you to stop ingesting grease and artificial flavoring."

(And he bolted.)

(Bee eventually found out what I was doing, and got jealous that I was stealing his thunder.)

(I have to sign up for a double shift at the coffee shop so I can buy a new iPhone.)

(_That_ wasn't cute, Bee.)

* * *

**Heehee, poor Casey and Tristyn! Can they never get a break? The 'Cons are so mean to Tristyn, while everyone mistakes Casey's bubbly personality as reckless. Poor Prowl, I get the feeling he was sooooo confused by her voice clip. XD**

**Anyway, keep up the suggestions because AH LOVE 'EM. And in case it wasn't obvious, Tristyn's "California 'Cons" is a bite-sized parody of Katy Perry's "California Girls", but... uhh... well, with the Decepticons. LOL. (It's not as funny as it was before I remembered the movie doesn't take place in California. xD)**

**Thanks for readin'! Till next time! ^^**


	5. Carry On, Girls

**ANOTHER TRIUMPHANT RETURN. YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS.**

**Ahem. Thanks to Darth Verity of Cybertron, who threatened - errrr, motivated my ass. I don't want to be assaulted by all the Terror Twins in trollface masks, so I've wisely decided to update, lol.**

**Okay, like I said, none of your suggestions this chapter as it was already written before I got suggestions, but I believe next chapter should have some! 8D**

**SO GET EXCITED, PEOPLE.**

**Also, feel free to send in more suggestions. I could use them! The ideas in my own brain are quite lonely. They want to have a party. xD**

**Well, enjoy the craziness!**

* * *

**21. Whoever you are, stop using the magnets on the energon containment unit to spell out "Starscream stinks".**

(Why did they look at ME first?)

(Considering Screamer's general un-like-ability, that easily could have been _anyone._)

(Besides, those magnets are really high up on the "fridge".)

(How would I have gotten to them?)

"With a ladder."

(Was Megatron's reply.)

(Okay, well, they're _huge._)

"Yes, and they're also made of _plastic._"

(Did I have anything to utter in my defense before I was thrown in the brig for a week?)

"Yes! You know me, milord - if _I_ did it, it wouldn't say 'stinks'... It would say 'frags his mom' or something."

(He offlined and onlined his optics.)

"Good point."

(As it turned out, Barricade - being the 'Con most associated with me - got thrown in the brig.)

(And now Starscream's glares are more directed at him than me.)

(Sorry, 'Cade, but I'll make it up to you somehow.)

_**22. The **__**Trauma Center**__** game series is now banned from base. Or Med Bay, at least.**_

(I heard about it from Sam the other day, so I bought _Under the Knife,_ the first one, and tested it out.)

(I beat the whole game, and it was fun!)

(Unfortunately, when I replayed it in Med Bay, waiting for the results of my routine blood test, Ratchet was looking over my shoulder the entire time.)

(He complained about everything.)

"How would you like me to operate on _you_ like that, huh?"

"That's a biological impossibility."

"Gangliated Utrophin Immuno Latency Toxin doesn't even make any _sense._"

(I lost to _Kyriaki._ And not the souped-up version either.)

(The _FIRST_ patient that showed up with it.)

(Frag it, Ratchet.)

(We don't care about the facts, we just want you to shut up and let us enjoy the inaccuracy!)

(Maybe Ironhide will have some "inaccuracy" with his cannon aim later, if he "accidentally" overcharges on high-grade...)

**23. Ravage won't play fetch with anything smaller than... well... ****_you._**

(I was bored, because my buddy Barricade had been thrown in the dungeon after taking a fall for me.)

(I appreciated it, but what was I supposed to do now?)

(It would have been fun to climb inside Starscream and see how many upside-down turns he could do before I threw up, but he of course wouldn't have any of that.)

(Freaking prima donna, he's worse than Knock Out.)

(Soooo, I decided to play with robo-cat Ravage.)

(He's such a cutie, and he loves learning new tricks.)

(I tossed a stick and told him to fetch, but he just looked at me.)

(I pouted till Soundwave came along and asked me what the problem was.)

(I pointed at Ravage.)

"He won't play with me!"

(Soundwave surveyed the scene, nodded, and pointed near a tree.)

"Femme Tristyn: walk over and lie down."

(I shrugged and did as he asked; nice idea, because it was all shady and cool over there.)

"Ravage: fetch."

(Luckily he used his tail and not his teeth, but it still hurt.)

(Knock Out didn't exactly like having to force me into an ice bath to combat the bruising.)

(Because I fight back before being plunged into a tub of ice.)

(But he _did_ it, wrapped me in a blanket like a human tortilla afterwards, and kept me overnight in Med Bay.)

(You wanna know what _Starscream_ had to say about the whole thing?)

"Payback's a glitch, isn't it, femme?"

_**24. There's a reason Blurr is kept off high-grade.**_

(I found out that reason... and let me tell you, it's a pretty damn good one.)

(Blurr is always so serious.)

(All that fast-talking is his way of making his job a little more exciting.)

(One night, I was hanging out with him, because despite his speech patterns, he's actually a pretty cool 'Bot once you get to know him.)

(Long story short: I drank a Hug, filled the empty little barrel with high-grade from that cabinet Ratchet's supposed to keep locked - Sideswipe, I forgive you for the demon ride - and brought it with me to hang out with Blurr.)

(I then brought the resealed Hug barrel out of my backpack and offered it to Blurr.)

"Come on, take a sip! This is the best juice drink ever! It's called a Hug!"

(After a few minutes of begging and puppy-dog eyes, he reluctantly agreed to take a sip.)

(He didn't _stop_ at one sip, though.)

(Sam found us in that room the next morning.)

(I'd barely managed to duct tape Blurr to the wall.)

(He was in recharge, snoring, and his legs were still kicking like he was running.)

(I was on my bed, groaning, with my hair a total mess.)

(Sam snapped a picture, and ran away to play show and tell with Ratchet.)

(I'm now forbidden to enter Med Bay unless I'm in respiratory/cardiac arrest, puking my guts out, or within an inch of my life.)

(But it was ALL worth it.)

**25. If you don't want your "skinjob" messed up, it would be wise not to go near Knock Out with a paintbrush.**

(Knockers was in recharge, and I saw a little spot that looked kind of faded.)

(So, I thought for once I'd be nice and do him a favor.)

(Unfortunately, what I thought was the little bottle of paint he kept just for the purpose of painting over faded spots... um, it was actually rubber cement.)

(The colors on the bottles look the same, and it turned out I'd left it there with the label not showing after some project because I was majoring in art.)

(And because I'm forgetful.)

(Although, I had wondered at the time why the brush was attached to the lid.)

(And why it was my size.)

(When he finally came out of recharge, I'd accidentally rubber-cemented my hand to the faded spot.)

(He was madder than the time that one Autobot painted over his chest.)

(He had his buzzsaw out, ready to slice through the glue to get me off.)

(But I yelled at him, because I wasn't quite ready to have my hand hacked off yet.)

(Call me crazy, but he's not very good with "surgery" on anything smaller than ten feet.)

(Once I calmed him down, I explained we just had to wait till it dried, and if I gave it enough elbow grease I could pull my hand off.)

(So we waited, and when I felt that it was no longer wet, I yanked as hard as I could.)

(The cement cracked, and my hand came off alright...)

(... Along with a rather large chip of his paint that the cement had stuck to.)

(I ran whining to Breakdown, since he's really the only one who can distract Knockers if I'm in trouble.)

(Am now hiding in Breakdown's closet, scared of what he'll do if he finds me.)

(Um, scratch that.)

(_When_ he finds me.)

* * *

**MY GOD. Is Tristyn a complete, utter ditz or what? I don't know HOW the 'Cons deal with her. Honestly.**

**And Casey... just trying to enjoy her life, but Sam and Ratchet and everyone else has to step on her fun. LIEK RIGHT?**

**Anyway! Suggestions are still welcome, and I hope you likee!**

**Thankies much for reading! ^^**


End file.
